17th Jan 2012- Memoirs of the man of my life

January 2012 will pass us, and it has been a very tough month for my family.

This family portrait was taken on last Eid-Fitr 2011. In years before, we had taken family portrait, but there was never a complete set of us in a single picture until recent Eid-Fitr. If this picture is translated into a set of puzzle, the most significant and the centre piece of the puzzle is now missing, that is my late father.

 As I mentioned in this entry , my father, Aboh was diagnosed as diabetic last two years, but he was badly sick a few months back. Worse than usual fever, that seeing him that sickful, I have the scary thought in mind that he might leave us all, for good.

Aboh used to be a very strong man, all his life, I mean all my life. He cycled with his bicycle all his life. I still remember one day when I was so little,he hold my hand when we crossed the road.I still remember the sence of security that I felt in his grip, but it turned otherwise when he was sick. When I brought him to the hospital, I hold an umbrella over us, and he hold my hand, now not for my security, but for his support, for he was so weak to walk as fast as healthy people do. I could feel the hand was so frail around my arm, and.. it broke my heart...

After he was warded with no clear diagnosis from the doctors and the high fever which mostly struck him during night still prolong, we brought him to the alternative medication practitioners, ustaz and all, you name it and Alhamdulillah he was cured, gaining back the eating appetite, gaining his weight, as well as his nagging habits, if it is considered as an improvement.=)

That`s when I told him about my housewarming plan. I was so excited that he was back healthy and honoured him to arrange the festive with the people he knew. At that moment I felt the sense of pride of having parents in arranging big day for his kids. During the housewarming festive, I didn`t snap any picture of him. I don't know, but deep inside, there was a voice telling me that, if I snapped a picture of him, that might be the last picture of him in that fine health. I shoved the thought, and yet I didn't snap any picture of him. I refused to accept that thought.

Two weeks later when I was leaving to M.S Garden, I approached him while he slept, he looked restless, his hand warm, unusually warm. And when I asked him whether or not to bring Ika(who was crying to follow us) along, he said while closing his eyes " bawak la, sedih sangt tu" . I dont know why, but I started to feel that something was not right about his condition, and out of nowhere I shed tears, like it was so sad to leave him. And that was the point I noticed his condition started deteriorating. 

The following week- first week of Jan, his feet wobbled, he wasn't able to walk properly, but he still insisted to cycle to the town. That`s when people would go " Pokya meninggal? baru minggu lepas tgk naik basikal" upon knowing his passing. 

Week 2 of Jan, he started having short term memory lost. Mak said he would ask the same question again and again in one day. He asked about time, even though the clock was straight before his eyes. He insisted to join us sending my brother for his registration at Sekolah Teknik Wakaf Tembesu. He was getting weaker over days that he lied on my Mak`s lap at the backseat of my car along the trip to the school. Throughout the week, he kept on calling his kids who were at the hostel and campus. It didn't cross our mind that it was a sign of his departure.*sobs*.

Week 3 of Jan, his condition became worse, like overnight. His eyes closed tightly,completely losing his appetite, and only having plain water, nestum and tea-his favourite as food intakes. He lied on the bed, breathed hard, everytime Mak asked him to open his eyes, he opened, but I saw his sight dead. He wasnt actually looking at us even though he saw us. We decided to bring him to the hospital. And there, he was diagnosed as having infections at lungs and kidney.

My Mak, my brother and I took our turn to be there by his bed. When I was with him, I couldn`t hold my tears everytime I stroke his arm. It felt like the time chased us. Resting my head beside him was a peaceful moment with my father. During the night at 4am, my brother texted me to be ready,  telling me that there was high possiblity that Aboh will be sent to Hospital Kuala Terengganu. Another thing we dreaded most, that it is  a sign of worst thing was coming to us closer and closer.

My brother and I drove on our own, while Mak was on the ambulance. We reached the HKT at 6 in the morning, earlier than the ambulance. When he was brought out of the ambulance, that was when I saw Aboh opened his eyes to us, wide open. And that was the last I saw the eyes of my dear father.

6 hours waiting, feeling numb and when I closed my eyes, his images and memories replayed in mind, I cant help but started whimpering. Finally we were told that my father was already admitted in ICU long ago, that we haven't been told earlier. Doctor told us, all rectifications actions were made, but seeing his condition, the chances was slim. I recited Yaasin beside him, while glancing to monitor which indicated his heart beat- I think. Not even half way reciting, I saw the reading read 110 turned to 0. My father was gone. That was the hardest moment I ever faced in my entire life. 

Acceptance is the ultimate bliss. That is what I believe in. May Allah bless his soul. Al Fatihah.